Poem: Suicide is Not an Option. Katie Lewington.

(Originally published in Jotters United Zine)

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Could you make it worse
Say what you say
I might pull a face
But what can I do
You mired in hate
                   And me amazed
A person can be so rude
Forgive and forget
But not regret
The being
                  A doormat
You can’t approve
But appeal
Oh like me, like me
Aren’t I good enough?
God knows, I try
I pray I wish I desire I crave
I am polite I listen to
                       what you do
I like listening to hip hop too
And, well, you know
You can’t build a conversation on that
You can’t
You need to be comfortable
                                 and have banter
       with the person
Even after you part
You still couldn’t say
what was said
That is friendship
So do me a favour please
And show me respect
Don’t put your gum in my hair
Don’t tear my homework
Don’t strangle me with my own tie
Yes, I am weak
      I cannot fight back
I am a coward
I know I know I know
I don’t know what the right remedy is
For your treatment
But will you leave me
                               leave me be
                                                        please
Stop your glares
And your stares
I feel like I am
Being judged
Every time I step in front of the class
I am trying to be
                     good enough
God knows, I try
But I only make you laugh
When I trip
              over the foot
                you have stuck out
This isn’t fair
I can’t be ignored anymore
And treated like your
                              soft toy
It is killing me inside
I am afraid of everyday
When I get out of bed
And I dread
Think of all
The possibilities
The time you have
What you will inflict on me
                                        Today
                                        This week
                                        Next month
                  and forever after that
I can’t eat my breakfast
My hands tremble
I forget tasks
I really am in a mess
How can I avoid you?
And have a trouble free day
I don’t know
           and am quite tired
I feel like sleeping
But you interrupt that
Where is peace?
How do I get there?
I never cared
               but now
Without my girlfriend
I am lost
              alone
And not at ease
I am a loser
I am stupid
I am useless
Oh please stop this
                           hurting
As a fist lands in my eye
And a tear dribbles
Down my cheek
On my knees begging
                              in the toilets
But you are kicking me
                              over and over
Aren’t I good enough?
God knows, I try
And I thought I knew
                              but now I do
I am not loved
         nor liked
I am not a person
        but food
For the sharks
And with the scraps left
I am
I take the chord
                     from the shed
And I whack it around
                            a private tree
In the woods
I put my head
              into the noose
I made
     to fit
I attempt to think
                          of my happiest memory
But I feel only
               thudding pain
And my feet
                   lifted from
The ground
         with
my life draining away.

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