(Originally published on Fuckfiction.net)
So I’ve switched on the computer which is nested into the nook underneath the stairs. I’m settling down to it in a chair with a glass of vodka and coke in my right hand and then I hear this god-awful noise coming from outside the house. Immediately I think burglar. I’m not shitting myself or anything but I’m looking around me for a weapon. There’s a scraping sound, a metallic clang. I think perhaps the burglar is starting off by breaking into next door so for now I am safe. I look over the stair rail but, as the door has frosted glass, I cannot see anything. All I can hear is a lot of screeching coming from what sounds like professional equipment, then I begin to think: hold on that sounds way too close and maybe the burglar is in my back garden and my house has been chosen. In which case why the hell has nobody called the police? Neighbours around here are so strict on strangers. They call police on seeing the window cleaners but then a window cleaner up 5 feet against your house on a ladder, greasing your bedroom window and washing it down is pretty creepy when you might be in the bedroom, on the bed, in a state of undress and getting down to it, when you think about it.
I get on my feet, I’m in tights and they squeak on the tile flooring. I search around for a weapon, the noise outside growing all the more urgent. It has been ten minutes, how long can this burglar possibly take to get inside a house? Oh Lord, oh Lord have mercy. I gulp my drink, feeling dizzy. I hear the slam of a car door and the computer hard drive begins to judder, like it’s gonna take off. Jeez Louise, what a slow pot Annie this burglar is. I scratch my neck, exploring the love bite on my neck with my fingers as I tilt my head. I am listening and am gathering no sense of the situation whatsoever. As I seize a vase from the kitchen and march towards the front door the sound is suddenly muffled and then stops. I am left flinging open the door like a Matadors cape and holding it with the vase above my head.