Taken from my book Just. 


“depression is breaking my heart

i am sure
there’s been no diagnosis but i am sure 
because I’ve read the books 

and it sounds like a living hell
seems to me a living hell I’m in 
depression indeed
causing me to cry 

to bleed
i still fucking love you 

you’re like my – 

not friend, that’s sick 

but one constant companion 

that’s stuck with me 
stuck to me
 it’s suffocating 
and it’s rude to impose on me
you know i am sixteen 

fourteen when you came along

like some rich uncle to fuck me up 

thanks a lot 

i hate you too
i must have made you welcome 

you’ve done your best now 

and i will do the rest

and let you walk over me
trying to not cry

because somebody will ask why 

and if i blame you 

then you would be angry?

i don’t know, maybe angry 

because i am supposed to blame myself 
responsibility for my own actions and all of that bullshit 
my eyes ache 

I’ve been crying twenty minutes straight 

you again 

fucking shadows

it is night 

i was in bed

you roused me from my sleep 
i don’t know why I’m treating you like a person 

should be kicking you out
it is closing time and i need my sleep 
but in the evenings you seem to grow worse, a monster

my Jekyll and Hyde

one or the other 

with your friends- jealousy and loneliness
you’re not a person 

but if i think of you like one –


too strange 

lets call you my own misery 

like a ball and chain 
did i choose you?

was i weak?

are you like a last breath that will take my life
so, i can’t see

you’re blinding me

and you can be nice 

well, me too 

we’re alike

you’re my carbon copy 

my footprint 

or have i copied you 

you are me

and i am you so there is not two 

but one 

this fucking coin 
i wouldn’t call you evil 

I’m kind 

i will say you are weak 

picking on me

couldn’t you give me some strength instead?
you’re giving me terrible habits 

I’m becoming this –

attention seeking bitch 
i cut too 

your design i think?
i hope I’m the person i envision

but you choke me

and i shouldn’t let you 

but you’re becoming a constant 

i let you take over too often, huh?
so you win

is that it?
trying to wrestle you off each day
saying hi to people

then aggro from you 

back to you 

gripping me with paranoia

don’t talk to them, they don’t really like you 

they might

i don’t know, do i?

I’m nobody 
you give me traits-

poor concentration 


binge eater

all that crap that adds up to depression 
I’ve read it a million times in this frazzled state

i can’t think through them all

but i bet you’re aware of the cards you deal

you know my fate 
will you die with me?
you are wrecking my fucking life

that is all.”

K.L © 


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